Football season is fastly approaching and I can’t wait to waste away my Saturdays at a sports bar watching college football and my Sundays doing the same exact thing but only inhaling in all the NFL games. For all the dirt and grime a sports bar has to offer, it actually is a great place to meet girls. The girls you can come across are usually drunk, bored and/or looking to get out of spending a whole afternoon being ignored by their boyfriends. I’ve had many successful weekends just because I drank beer and watched some pigskin at the right time and place.
For all my surprise successes, I do have my run-ins with a certain type of girl that can be found at any sport bars/events from August until January: the attractive girl that soaks up the attention because of her good looks and appearance that she’s enjoying watching the games. You rarely find less than a handful of them at a time. They come here because they love the rock star-like adoration in such a small packed venue. This species of female has no competition and every Neanderthal with a pecker is clubbing there way to her. It’s like being Red Sonja with knowledge of what are draft picks and midseason trades. They know how to tame the most brutal of the brutes. The problem is that I can see through this hustler in this niche market making her way through her pickings. The real test to always watch for and which for me is also the kiss of death. You see, with these types of ladies it’s when they say the fatal line they always manage to drop while things are going so well: “not only am I hot, I’m also like one of the guys.”
When those words enter my eardrums, they make the record scratch and the party comes to a sudden halt. It’s their game to lure in an unsuspecting guy into buying the hype. It’s the same stupid pet trick that any guy at a bar will pretend to be a Coldplay fan just to make inroads with a girl. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said how much Chris Martin’s lyrics have changed my life to girls. Most girls can see right through my rubbish and cheese ball tactics but most guys can’t see through how a girl would want to be involved in a fantasy football league. Seriously.
I first noticed this ever-growing phenomenon in college while my roommate was dating one of the only attractive girls at my tiny Midwestern college. The options at my college were either chose the fat or the ugly one. Yeah, my college years sucked. This one particular girl was a true diamond in the rough I thought at the time, because she was cool, outgoing and just happened to be hot. Growing up in Miami and then living in the Midwest I learned the stark difference between hot and ugly. Hot is mean/boring and ugly is nice/fun. Yes, it’s very much like Young Frankenstein motto of “bread good, fire bad.” The convention wisdom that was passed down from my older brother was if she’s hot, she’s a bitch and probably pain in the ass. The few years I spent chasing tail was blueprinted from my brother’s teachings. So when my friend’s girl proved to be fun to be around and made her bones to be like “one of the guys” I became more cynical from learned instinct. There’s no way a hot girl can like being around fat drunken men and watching football. Yes, there’s the tomboys but they don’t count. Everybody knows tomboys are numb to men in any sexual way. It’s always been that way. I’m talking about a dime piece that is dressed to the nines messing up her overpriced Italian shoes (that were made in Indonesia) that is walking in sawdust and spilled stale beer. There’s just no way they truly like this environment. It wasn’t until my friend’s girl bought us a pitcher of beer and came back to an adoring mob of pathetic drunkards when I realized it only came down to one thing: ATTENTION. Like everything else with women, it’s all about attention in the end. As the beers were poured into the backwashed cups, it was then and there were the high praises started being shouted out by all. “Oh, you’re just so wonderful. Why can’t I find a girl like you?” The attention snowballed into an avalanche of verbal drool that she swam in with bliss and it couldn’t be any more crystal clear that this whole act was for attention. I hate to sound sexist but when it comes to dealing with women: attention can beat rock, paper or scissor. It’s the one equalizer that every man should be able to know how to control. It doesn’t matter if you’re the nice guy or the dirt bag, it’s the way you handle the attention volumes when you’re dealing with women. They want high volume like your blasting heavy metal but it’s your job to play it on low like stale easy listening music. This is why they go through drastic stunts like pretending to really care how many yards Peyton Manning can throw in a regular season game or whether on-the-cusp players like Ricky Waters or Kenny Stabler belong in the Hall Of Fame.
There’s nothing worse than getting into an argument with girls that think they know a thing about football or sports in general (WBNA doesn’t count). They say politics and religion should never be argued but sports are not far behind. Have you ever seen the New York Giants play against the Philadelphia Eagles in Philly? It’s not a sporting event it’s a war zone for shirtless fat people stuck in freezing temperatures. It takes a dedicated fan to do that. This is a country that is full of zealous sports fans. There’s no way women can compete in this argument. They lack the insanity or dedication to follow through on watching and doing their homework on each and every team. I hate going that route but every fall, I’ll have at least one ridiculous argument with a female. It’s never pretty.
Let’s face it the only two football players girls really know about are Tom Brady and Michael Vick. They know about Brady because he’s a good-looking guy and is married to Giselle Bunchen. And they know about Vick because he killed puppies. That’s it.
On the other end of the spectrum, you have the guys that do nothing but pander to women’s interest like fashion and self-worship, which everybody knows by now that they’re knows as metro-sexuals but they still don’t come close how the “one of guys” can sneak into a man’s psyche. Your average girl will find the whole metro-sexual act to be too much for their tastes but there’s no way the average guy will think a hot chick that loves sports is too much for their taste. That’s why chatter mouths like Jillian Barberie have had successful careers because they don’t really want to how Bret Farve’s new stint for the Vikings will go now because he’s on an NFC team again, she just wants to be known as that hot chick that spats out game stats. She’s the poster girl of this movement. To her credit, she’s made a name herself and moved beyond the whole weather girl act onto infomercials selling food I’ll hoping never have to eat. Note to self: don’t get fat or you’ll make Jillian Barberie richer.
All in all, having a hot chick with you at sporting events that is going along with whatever you say is not such a bad deal but where my real problem lies is when they now want to be involved with fantasy football. It’s an invasion of sacred holy ground. This year alone, in one of my leagues (I’m currently in three and yes I admit it) they’re having an expansion year from going from 10 teams on to 12 teams. Our league commissioner is trying to get his girlfriend to have her own team and is also looking to get another girl in the league too. I guess it’s a fairness thing. A majority of the owners are outraged and rightfully so on so many levels. The problem is that this is really nerdy sports geek turf and there’s no way a girl could seriously be into this nonsense. Fantasy football is a serious commitment. My grades suffered in the fall and now my professional life is a mess now because of this obvious waste of time for a team that I only own on a fake website. I’ve been involved in playing fantasy football now for the last 12 years and the conversations involved are something that should be locked in a vault. I have to admit that there’s no difference between fantasy football and the Dudgeon & Dragons crowd. It’s all a make believe world and the enthusiasm is way high on both sides. While most of the leagues are dominated by guys that can’t get laid anyways, do girls really need to see this side of us? Another thing about fantasy leagues is the amount of trash talk that goes down. We dish out personal tidbits about ourselves that no female and especially a significant other should know about. One big reason why I’m so wrapped up in fantasy football is that I have a reason to e-mail my friends all day just to make fun of them and their families. This is the only reason why I ended up getting a Blackberry because I this thing is useless to me in the off-season. I need to be plugged into this loop 24/7. I thrive off trash talk and ridiculous tirades towards loved ones. The insults are always cruel and unusual. Last season, I even shot so low that I said my friend’s draft picks are lamer than his child’s allergy to peanut butter. Do you really think a woman would keep trash talk like that to herself? Of course not! Most of the men in my leagues are middle aged and married. In other words, they’re lifeless on the verge of pathetic. A majority of the e-mails entail the glory days of college spring breaks and insulting each other’s children. We’re a nasty bunch. It’s brutal stuff and a true treasure chest of gossip that any woman would love to get their hands on. I’m ready to be cast as the league’s villain if the league finally decides on including women. I don’t think women belong in the kitchen but they sure as hell don’t belong in my league. This is one boundary they just can’t cross. It’s only a few months out of the year that we get to be complete dorks and once again be like kids again that trade baseball cards during recess.
Please stay out!
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