FRIDAY MAILBAG
Would you be offended if you took a girl home and the next morning she called you by the wrong name?
Sara, Rockford, IL
It’s happened to me a few times in my life. I feel cheap and embarrassed beyond belief. My ego is usually running high because I got some the night before but I come crashing down because this chick has made me just another drunken mistake and not a score (I think I’m a total catch and score, btw). It’s a taste of every guy’s own medicine. I know now how you women feel and that’s why I always play the name game (word association) and come up with tricks to remember your lovely names to place with your lovely faces. I might not ever call you again but I’ll sure as hell always remember your name (hence the screened calls…just do me a favor and leave over my voicemail how many weeks you’ve missed your period and we’ll go from there…ok?).
Do fat women repulse you?
Anthony, Detroit, MI
They’re only repulsive when a friend sees me riding one.
Why is it that every time a Bon Jovi song comes on at a bar people start singing it at the top of their lungs?
Tara, NJ
Because as much as we make fun of each other anytime we find a Bon Jovi CD in our car, we all secretly love him. I want to say his music is awful but I’ll admit that my first concert ever was a Bon Jovi concert at the Miami Arena back in 1989. You would think that’s where it would end but I just found out he’s performing into Fort Lauderdale this weekend and I just might have to see him. His music is so bad it’s great. Being drunk reveals your honest intentions and when his music pops on, no one can hide or deny being his fan. That is why we all get buck wild whenever “Living On A Prayer” is on the PA system.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like Nate Berkus, the gay designer on Oprah?
Karina, Miami, FL
I was recently in Chicago and some drunk annoying chick though that I was the guy and didn’t shut the fuck up. She kept bringing her friends over and asked for my autograph and also took pics of me. I kept telling her that I wasn’t the guy but they didn’t believe me. I hope I can find her on myspace/facebook and see if there’s my photo on there saying that I’m Nate.
Do you think the person that thought of 'Can you pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time?' Was a retard?
Amanda, Chicago, IL
Of course that guy was retarded. He created that test just to make everyone else feel retarded. I hate that test and I refuse to take it anytime anyone ever challenges me to it.
My question is regarding sign language. Do they have versions like French, English and Spanish or is it all the same?
Matt, Bronxville, NY
I’m pretty certain sign language is universal but you never know if you go to the Basque region of Spain and find some bitter assholes adding their own dialect to sign language and they refuse to talk communicate with you if you don’t know how to shape your fingers the way they do.
What's the beef with Tom Hagen & Michael Corleone in the Godfather? Why does Michael always put him down? There's no clear reason.
Patrick, Chicago, IL
I’ve also always wondered why Michael was unfair to Tom but I’ve seen parts 1 and 2 countless times and I’ve also read the book several times. My conclusion is that Tom was Sonny’s friend that was brought into the family and Michael would always see him as that. He was never his blood brother and being German-Irish didn’t make him paisan either. In the final scene in part 2, they have a flashback to the Don’s birthday, which takes place after Pearl Harbor, and Michael announces to his family that he has enlisted in the Army. Tom is upset and brings up how he and the Don got him that gig at the law firm. He also tells Michael how he was just talking about his future with his father and that created huge resentment towards Tom. It turns out that Tom was a better brother than Fredo (big surprise) but Michael will never fully take in Tom because he’s not his real brother. It’s a shame because Tom dedicated his life to his family and did everything he could to be the best brother he can towards Michael. Another sour note in their relationship is when Michael calls out Tom for that job offer from the other casino in Reno and asks him if he’s bringing his family along to join him with his mistress. That’s worse than that time when Michael tells him “he’s out” of the Family when they move to Las Vegas in part one. I’ve heard many different theories for their friction but there’s no definitive answer as to why Michael was so hard on Tom but only that he was not his blood brother and not Sicilian.
Who would you rather be in their prime: Scott Baio in the late 1980’s or James Caan in the mid-1970’s?
Ricky, Miami, FL
I’ll be happy being either guy in their prime but I’d have to go with Scott Baio because in from the late 1980’s through the mid 1990’s he went through just about every Playmate (he cleared the whole year of 1989’s monthly Playmates) and Baywatch star. Hugh Hefner did probably the big cockblock of all time by putting a ban on Baio for a short while. They eventually smoothed things over and Baio went right back into business. As for James Caan, he lived in a safer more carefree era because it was before AIDS and didn’t have any worries in the world. Caan actually lived in the Playboy Mansion while he was going through a divorce (that’s something Baio never got to do). His problem was his cocaine addiction and he was kicked out of the Mansion for that.
Is it true that comedians lack a sense of humor offstage?
Danny D, Miami, FL
To a certain extent, yes it’s true. Most comics have the sad clown complex and have major issues. I’m no different. I’ve met a lot of comics that are great people but I do meet my good share of bitter assholes. You can’t even joke around with them backstage to just have a beer and laugh. All in all, you’re just dealing with insecure people that hate to be out shown by others and refuse to laugh at something funny you said even though deep down inside they are laughing.
Who do you is the better MC: Tupac or Biggie?
Larry, NYC
I get this question all of the time and I’m going with Biggie. Tupac had a more prolific career but Biggie had better rhymes. Also, Biggie really lived the gangsta thug life unlike Tupac, who got into trouble when he became famous. I always though it was retarded of Tupac to represent the West Coast when he was born in the same Brooklyn neighborhood as Biggie. Tupac lived all over New York City and also grew up in Baltimore. He doesn’t get any more East Coast than that. I’d have to say that he’s even more East Coast than Biggie if you really look at it. He also attended a performing arts high school and danced ballet. He’s not as gangsta as his rhymes suggested. He’s even admitted in interviews that he didn’t have a criminal record until he became famous. Biggie on the other hand, was selling drugs by the time he was 13 and was a stick up kid mugging people. In other words, the street cred goes to Biggie without a doubt. Tupac might have survived a shooting and got involved with some real gangstas but he’s still a kid that went to an art school and whore pink tights. I know I’ll get countless e-mails about this tireless debate but I’m just going with my opinion. Tupac was a talented MC but he was full of shit on many of his rhymes. Biggie lived it and had to die for it.
Who would win a fight between Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson?
Jason, Catskill, NY
It’s a superfight between two overweight middle-aged men that do have their fair share of experience of fighting. Homer once had a successful career as a boxer and Peter Griffin had epic battles with the chicken guy. I’d have to put my money on Griffin because he can give and take (he also fights dirty). Homer has a great chin as shown in that episode where Moe exploits him but he never threw a punch until the other guy got tired and then pushed him down to win. Griffin is too seasoned to tire out on Homer although he’ll look pathetic doing it. Don’t be a fool and put your money on the man from Quahog.
Is it gay if you cum in your own mouth?
Justin, Santa Monica, CA
Not really depending on how it happened but swallowing officially makes it gay.
Why do people always hate on The Departed? I thought it was one of Scorsese’s better films in recent years.
Jason, Miami, FL
I loved this movie and it’s become one of those movies that anytime it’s on cable, I’m glued to my seat and watch it until the end. There’s a large group of people that hated this movie and only credit this film’s Best Picture Oscar award as Marty’s “Lifetime Achievement Award Oscar” for all of his past work and not this underrated masterpiece. I’ve heard all of the arguments ranging from Jack Nicholson’s performance as “Jack being Jack again” to Scorsese’s use of Gimme Shelter again in another movie. People are also getting sick of Matt Damon playing himself again but to my knowledge, there’s only one other movie where he plays a villain and that’s in the also underrated Talented Mr. Ripley. Damon played such a creep and used his role in many dimensions like his impotency and dreams for higher office. I’m no Leo fan but he was great in this movie. You also can’t count out amazingly solid performances from Alec “Patriot Act” Baldwin and Martin Sheen. You’ll never meet a bigger Scorsese fan than me and I even liked Kundun too but gangster films are his calling. Stop hating on this movie and watch it again. If you’re still too cynical, then watch Godfather III again and tell me who’s still on and tell me who’s still on point with the gangster shit.
Drop me back on the mailbag list. I woke up thinking Godfather III was a nightmare, but it was all true. You figure 3 hours of George Hamilton, Andy Garcia, and Joe Montagna is always a bad idea. Sounds like a punchline in 2008, but I guess sounded good to Frank Coppola back in '92. What do you think of part 3?
Eddy, Coral Gables, FL
Godfather III came out in 1990 and regardless of dates, it’s an awful movie. I’ve watched the special features of the DVD a few years ago and I was getting angry over the stupidity in Coppola’s head. The first two films are masterpieces and the whole world eagerly awaited part III like it was going to change the world. I remember vividly in the winter of 1990, watching people walk out of the theater in disgust of how bad that movie was after all of the hype. My parents didn’t allow me to watch the movie at the time (I was only 10 years old) and I was pissed that they didn’t let me go but in retrospect, I thank them from preventing me from pain. Only years later, I defied them and felt the pain that they protected me from. Everything about the movie sucked. Who is the genius that wanted to make a movie about two cousins fucking and crooked Catholic Church officials making deals with the Mafia? When you really think about it, that’s the movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t bother. The only cool part of the movie is when they kill Sofia Coppola in the final scene. Then again, watching Bridget Fonda in Andy Garcia’s apartment running around naked was cool too. Ok, so make that two cool things in a 3-hour movie. That to me sounds like Guatanamo like torture. This was also the beginning of the end of Al Pacino’s acting skills. Most people point to Scent Of A Woman as the turning point but when you think of it, Scent was the funeral but Godfather III was the final heartbeat on the deathbed. As for the assemble, I have no idea why Coppola would ever cast George Hamilton as a consigliore but it shows once again that the Devil does keep his promises (ex: Keanu Reeve’s career). I’ve never been a Joe Mantenga fan either and he’s such a hack actor and it’s impossible to believe a street thug quoting Shakespeare “All bastards are liars!” I’m telling you this movie is really bad. Should I go on? Ok, I will. I forgot to mention Al Pacino’s flattop. Was this haircut the prequel to Scent? I didn’t buy that look for a minute. Back to the men that fuck little boys, I meant to say the Holy Roman Catholic Church. What was the story with this international secret World Bank elitist society all about? The movie never explained it beyond having the Colerone Family finally having clean money if the deal goes through. Extreme money laundry I guess. Another far out aspect in the movie was the sit down in Atlantic City with all of the bosses in a hotel lobby getting checks for outrageous amounts of money ($400 million) and then getting gunned down in by a helicopter. The death scenes were really poorly acted. God, I really hate this movie! Please don’t get me started.
oint with the gangster shit.
Whatever happened to Skeet Ulrich’s career? I thought he was going to be the next Johnny Deep but he disappeared before his 15 minutes were even up.
Taylor, Miami, FL
Everyone thought he was going to be the next Johnny Deep expect for me. I knew he was awful and I’m glad people figured it out after he did Scream part one. His best part was ever was in the South Park movie being in bed in between Satan and Saddam Hussien.
How come Britney is always showing her muffin to the paparazzi? Doesn't she feel a draft down by her peekachu when her skirt slips? Maybe it's just me but - I don't want to see Britney's saggy vaj anymore.
Gretchen, Del Ray
When you are coked out and on meds all of the time, you just want to get fucked at anytime of the day. Britney is providing her services to the rest of mankind. I agree that her vaj is gross and I would have to be wasted before I´d hit that.
I'd like to know why women pee on toilet seats but then they don't wipe them off. If you're spastic enough to pee on the seat, I say keep on going and just wipe it down. The last thing I need to see after having 5 cocktails is a pee seat because then I'm all annoyed and I have to wipe it down myself even if I'm just hovering, and if I hold it too long I might get an infection or something. I don't want to have to look at that junk. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat.
G-Baby, Florida
I could not agree with you more. That is purely disgusting. I hate it when guys do that to public toilets on days that I have to go or its all over. I couldnt imagine how extra disgusting it is for a woman since she always has to sit down to tinkle. People are disgusting creatures and the proving ground is always in public restrooms. This is one of the reasons why I love being a man. We stand up to tinkle. Life is good.
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