Tiger Jackson?

I think we may have a new king in pop culturedom...

The new juicy tidbit about the whole Tiger Woods' scandal is that his wife Elin came into the living room swinging the golf club while he was texting the lazy-eyed hottie Rachel Uterus. Rumor has it that he lost two of his teeth, suffered a broken cheek bone and major facial swelling throughout his face. This current theory proves why he ran out of his house barefoot then took off in his car and crashed it while Elin was swinging away like a viking in battle. He then called his handlers then flew on a private jet to Phoenix, AZ to see a specialist in plastic facial reconstruction surgery to fix him up. My main question is that once he shows his face to the public, will he look anything like Michael Jackson?

I'm dying to see what the new and improved Tiger has in store for us all. Will he space off during press conferences or will he continue to be the vanilla spokesmen he's always been? Will become the Dennis Rodman of golf? He will sleeve his arms in tattoos? Will double D hoochies accompany him to the tournaments and flash the audience for every hole in one? I'd love to see him have a meltdown and talk about how his overbearing father ruined his childhood or how he always hated golf or just loved to smoke crystal meth before the Masters or that one time he got a handjob from Phil Mickelson the day he announced his wife had breast cancer. It's amazing that it's been almost two months since El Tigre has showed his face to the public. It's been too long! It's a new jungle out there now but he's a Tiger and he's still a big enough cat to come out on top again. They say his wife can walk away with $300 million and how that will hurt him financially. Fuck that! Wall Street was on it's knees a year and a half ago and now they're back on their feet and more powerful than ever. I think Tiger can do the same. He'll play dead but get back all of the big sponsors again and be even richer while that the $300 million Little Miss Thor walks away with will be chump change to him. If Tiger was smart, he'll take the playbook that Wall Street recently pulled on the tax payers and play dead but come back roaring to show us all how dumb we really are after all. It's a high-minded jiu-jtsu move nobody ever sees coming. Go get 'em, Tiger!