Vanilla Nice

This morning I was eagerly awaiting Tiger Woods' press conference. I had a feeling that it was going to be a vanilla and lame open statement for a few minutes just like the image that he's projected through the years but I was holding out on some hope that he says "fuck it" admits he's a dirtbag and then becomes the Dennis Rodman of the PGA.

I liked Tiger Woods when he came on to the scene in the 1990's when he was a child prodigy breaking the color barrier in the ultimate WASP sport at a time when they still had a few segregated golf courses left in our country. It was great to see him smash records and be on a league of his own. It was the perfect way to stick it to "The Man". As time went on, he became a reserved and uptight guy. I just couldn't get into him. Yeah, he was great but I couldn't relate (little did I know that we both love to chase skirt). I loved how a man of color owned the white man's last great sport. Golf is an elitist sport only for the super elite and watching this Tiger enter their exclusive jungle only to own it in such a short time was amazing. He is my generation's Jackie Robinson. The problem was that he always played it safe and was he starting to enter that Michael Jordan mindset to shut his mouth take the money and not be socially responsible as a public figure. I always admired men like Kurt Flood and Muhamad Ali who used their fame to raise awareness about social issues. As great as a basketball player as Michael Jordan was for me was a disappointment when he said that "Republicans buy sneakers too." Jordan played at a time when Reaganomics devastated the African American community while black people were addicted to crack and murdered each other over his Air Jordans. He could have used his stature to be a better role model calling out the social ills of the time and to tell them to take their focus off of materialism to focus on self-improvement and education but instead he looked at his wallet instead of the horrors that were going on in the 1980's.

Tiger's "Republican buys sneakers too" moment came when Kelly Tilghman said that they only way to beat Tiger Woods at golf is to tie him up to a tree and lynch him. This statement needs no introduction since we all know how sour of a subject strange fruit is to the black community. I was hoping that Tiger would be pissed and asked for this woman to be fired but instead he laughed then shrugged it off during an interview. It came to me as such a let down to let such a thing slide knowing the ugly history that blacks had to endure so people like Tiger can play on a golf course (let alone step foot on one) and make a career out of it. After that incident, I lost a lot of respect for Tiger and only saw him as a money hungry self-absorbed prick.

When his sex scandal and wife drama saga unfolded to the public, I laughed at how poorly he's handled everything but I have been consumed at how this genius of golf has handled everything so stupidly. He's been psychically out of the public for months yet all of his dirty laundry has been with us all this time while his family suffers and he hasn't done a thing to stop the wild fires. After watching Woods give a totally lame press conference, I'm convinced that he's retarded. Tiger looked drained and wooden he looked like he needed a stiff drink then a blowjob afterwards.

Instead of doing the "I'm sorry" rap, he got into too many things that open the doors to more questions. He denied too many things that will prove to be false later – 1.) Elin hit him. 2.) He said he violated his principles. He’ll cheat on her again and again. Woods says he won’t do it again. There’s no way he’ll keep that promise.

Another thing he said that will come up again is that he denied taking performance enhancing drugs. It will come back and haunt him. That's like denying your gay in politics. Once that label sticks, you're fucked.

Is being in sex rehab for 45 days going to help anything? What a fucking joke. Somebody get this guy a hooker!

As for poor little Elin, I still think she swung a golf club at him that night. This woman has that viking warrior blood boiling inside of her. She started reading those gossip columns and then Rachel Uterus' text messages which sent her into a battle cry rage which resulted in a wrecked Cadillac wrapped around a tree on Thanksgiving and a barefoot Tiger defenseless.

Now that Tiger has come out from the woods to tell the world firsthand that he's been a bad a boy he's now going to continue his time being totally miserable in sex rehab while practicing Buddhism. Everybody knows by now that celeb scandals usually result in going to rehab and finding religion which goes hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly. Which this whole Buddhist thing is total bullshit and it makes him sound like a flakey pothead that does yoga in the park. Nobody bought it. At least if he found Jesus, he'd hit a mark with his audience. Golf fans are red meat eating uptight Christians. Americans want Jesus! This Buddha thing is going to turn off some of his fans.

Tiger made his biggest mistake by not coming back and maybe not return for another year. The most important thing he should do is return to the golf course and WIN! That's what people loved him for to begin with and that's what's been paying his bills. People love a redemption story and winners. At the end of the day, that's all that matters.